Overcome Your Painful Past

The first subject matter in Daring To Dream Again is letting God heal your painful past. That makes sense, how can I move forward if I'm still chained by the past. Until about two and a half months ago, this was my case. I plan to only highlight my experiences now, but intend on going in greater detail with each one at a later time. Allow me to start with my first painful experience. On November 4, 1992, my grandmother was killed in a car accident. I was eleven years old. Up to this point in my life, everything was as "perfect". The moment I became aware of her death, everything changed for me. I had emotions that I had no clue how to handle. I felt so alone as people were rushing about, in and out to help out where they could. I felt like I was suppose to be strong, and how I was feeling wasn't as important as being strong. I had grown up on our family farm, and my grandparents lived right in front of us. If I wasn' t home I was at their house, or somewhere in between. We had breakfast at their house EVERY Thursday morning. My grandma made the best biscuits and scuppernong jelly. The wreck happened on a Wednesday. To add to the emotional turmoil I had been thrust into, the last time I saw my grandma was in a rush, and mom was upset with me. I added guilt to my list of emotions, and completely shut down, so no one would know how I really felt. This was almost eighteen years ago, and fortunately I have come to a peace with the whole situation. I am confident of seeing her again in heaven. This incident only began my journey of pain. I continued through my adolescence and teen years with emotional baggage. I began to look outside of my family and God for love. I just wanted someone who would care how I felt. I began to compromise my values and beliefs just for a few moments of seemingly genuine care and compassion. I spent most of my teen years arguing with my parents and lying to them, finding myself in different counseling sessions.  Honestly, I hated this. All I wanted a "normal" relationship with my family, but didn't know how to achieve that. I didn't know how to tell them what or how I felt. I was use to stuffing my feelings, and pretending everything was okay. I saw college as my way out of this box. I knew only a handful of people from high school who would be attending Georgia Southern, so in a since this was my opportunity to do what I wanted how I wanted. While sad when my parents left me at school, I was excited. I was encouraged by my parents and others to find a church home, but I didn't. I was no longer "required" to go to church. I began smoking marijuana on a regular basis, drinking, and having sex. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but my mind kept saying otherwise. The internal struggles were enormous. I used the marijuana and alcohol to block out my thought process and tell me what I was doing was okay. By the time I returned home at semester's end I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I simply couldn't even face the realities of who I had become. I was glad to be home, back with those who's love is genuine. This genuine love from my family would prove crucial through the pain of the next seven years. Before the second semester of college could begin, I found out I was pregnant. I knew at that moment, I wouldn't be returning to GSU, which was a good thing. While good news on one hand, this too was painful. I am bringing a child into the world who's father I had only known for three weeks. I told him, and throughout the pregnancy kept him aware of what was going on. I only saw him twice, and very rarely talked to him. I did work on my relationship with God during this time, and came to realize that all this time when I felt alone, I really wasn't. God even knew the details that I was hiding away and keeping from others, even myself. I guess you can say this brought me some relief, but I had not yet said God take these burdens from me. Therefore, while God knew everything I was still carrying my own burdens. I did have a peace throughout my pregnancy that everything was going to be okay. I had so little worry, that my new counselor became a little concerned. I really didn't have room for anymore worry, so I let God have my new concerns while I held on to the old ones. On August 21, 2000 Railyn was born. Her dad was there, much to many people's surprise, but not mine. The next year and a half wasn't too bad. I adjusted well to motherhood, and took Railyn to see her dad. I even developed a close relationship with his mother and grandmother. When Railyn was  five months old, I began having slight depression symptoms and was put on Welbutrin XR. Almost immediately there was a difference. I was living at home, working, and taking care of Railyn. I wish I could say the story ends here, and things got better, but it doesn't. It got worse! When Railyn was a year and a half old, I went out with some friends. I met someone that night, who would take me down a path I never imagined, intended, or wanted. This guy said things I wanted to hear, and I fell for every bit of it. Although, I had strengthened my relationship with God, I was still VERY weak. I fell for his lies and promises even though I knew better. When I was weak, the devil put in over time. He quickly gained control of my weak mind, convincing me to open credit cards and steal. The stealing led to losing my job, being arrested, and having a year of probation. What a great mother. Speaking of Railyn, I was leaving her with my parents to run around with this loser(to put it mildly). Within that first year I realized everything he had told me was a lie, and decided I didn't want to be with him. Not willing to be alone, I stayed. Within that first year another thing happened that isolated me from the rest of society. He began to abuse me. Until he hit me the first time, I was oblivious to how much control he had already taken over me. I was so alone, it was as though time stopped. I wanted and needed somebody so desperately. I was screaming inside. The moment after that first blow, I didn't know how to react. I had never witnessed this nor been a victim of this type of behavior, and didn't think anybody I knew would even understand. I looked through my phone for anyone I felt comfortable calling. I wanted someone who wouldn't judge me or lecture me. Who would that be? I came across Railyn's dad. Even after two years I didn't really know him, but he did always say if needed anything to call. I needed somebody. I sat staring at the phone for a while, never mashing the call button. I convinced myself he didn't mean to hit me, and that he felt bad. Then I believed he wouldn't do it again. So, I lied my way through the first day of a new job, and to my parents that evening. As in all abusive relationships, things do not get better. Mine was no exception. During the second year of the relationship, I was at home less and less. I did see or talk to Railyn daily, but would never stay at home. I had become fearful that if I didn't return, he would come find me and harm my family. Many times I begged him to go home, but he wouldn't. We stayed in hotels if there was money, or in the car if there was none. Some days I went without showering or changing clothes. I have never felt so dirty. My parents took away my key to their house, and wouldn't allow me to come unless I was alone and they were home. We did end up getting an apartment, and the violence continued. He never had a job. Well maybe three during our entire relationship, but kept getting fired due to his attitude. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere except work and my parents house without him. During the second year, I got pregnant. I felt even more stuck and alone than before. The violence escalated, and at three months pregnant, I decided to call the cops. I'd had enough. He was arrested, only to be returned to the house the following day. Again at six months pregnant, I called the cops. With his finger marks around my neck, bruises all over my arm, and a black eye, the cops said they had no reason to arrest him, but as a parting gift I had five minutes to pack my bags and leave. Seriously? I knew I was alone. Even the cops don't care what happens to me or my unborn child. That was a long night which included a hospital visit where the doctor had enough sense to take pictures. I was functioning as a puppet, and felt like a foreigner everywhere I went. As year three began, I had my baby. On February 4, 2004 Natyli was born. She was so tiny (5lbs 12oz), and had to be born by c-section. I was convinced she suffered some negative effects throughout the pregnancy, and I certainly wasn't ready to bring her into this horrible situation. To this point I cannot say how many letters I had written to my parents, brother, Railyn, Natyli, and my grandfather just in case anything ever happened. I never sent them, but I wanted my feelings to be on paper. Sometime during the second year of this relationship, I began talking to God again. I prayed "God, if this relationship is right give me a sign, and if not give me a sign." After a year of this, I began to wonder if God would ever answer, or if this was really my destiny. Was this really the well laid plan he had for me? Surely not? One day, it hit me! He had been answering me ! The violence had continued, not stopped. Literally, the answer was slapping me in the face. Okay, so I have my answer, but how am I going to leave. I'd already been given some opportunities, but chosen to stay. Frankly, I was just as scared to leave as stay. April 26, 2005 began like most others, but ended like none other. He abuse me for the last time that day. Not only was God with me, but the police took me seriously, and he eventually went to prison for four years. About two months after I left, Isaac and I went on our first date. Soon, I know, but we had worked together for six months at this point, and had become good friends. Our relationship moved quickly, and soon, I was pregnant. Well, Isaac stuck with me during a very difficult pregnancy. On February 18, 2006, Alexa Camille Rhodes was born. She was three months early and only weighed 1lb. 11oz.. The doctors in the NICU worked to do everything possible for her, but she didn't have enough oxygen in her bloodstream. Ten hours after surgery, I was alert enough and able to go see her. My heart just broke, she sounded like a newborn kitten, and her eyes weren't even opened yet. Moments after first seeing her we had to decide if she should remain on life support. The chances of things changing were slim. We knew what was right, so we watched as each wire was unhooked, then took turns holding her. About fifteen minutes later she died in my arms. While, I had been prepared for this outcome, it was no less painful. Isaac and I stuck together for a while, but we went back to an off and on relationship. During the summer of 2006 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This was comforting. Some of my previous actions now made sense. I am still responsible, but know with some meds and management skills I can get things under control. I would spend the next year working to get the right combination of meds, and understanding bipolar disorder. I had somewhat come to terms with Alexa's death, but was still struggling with the enormous amount of mental abuse I had suffered. To add to this, 2006 ended with Isaac ending our relationship for good. I hadn't yet come to a place where I could care for my girls alone, so they were still staying with my parents. This by itself brought on so much guilt. I don't really know if my meds helped becacuse I started drinking heavily again. This lasted a few months until I once again, and for the final time hit rock bottom. I didn't show up to open at work one morning, and was fired. What to do now? God, really? Can I get a break! I did, again. In July 2007, Isaac and I got back together, for good. We planned to marry in June of 2008. Isaac got recruited by Zaxby's and in December of 2007 we moved to Asheville, North Carolina. Due to a legal battle that began to brew with Railyn's dad we decided to marry before moving. So, November 29, 2007 we got married for the first time. We still had our June wedding, and it was perfect. In January 2008, Railyn and Natyli moved to North Carolina. For the first time ever I am being a full time parent. This was no easy adjustment for them, me, or Isaac. Our first year and a half of marriage was spent three hours away from home, with the four of us really getting to know each other in an apartment smaller than a jail cell. I did find an amazing psychiatrist who added ADD to my diagnosis of bipolar, and completely changed my meds. What a difference that made. My counselor, who had become mine and Isaac's counselor made frequent visits to North Carolina. Thank God for her. We knew going in that eventually we would return to Georgia. In 2009, that's what happened. Isaac moved back in March. Zaxby's in NC had already let him go, but he was able to get on with the owner of Zaxby's in Monroe. I wasn't willing to move the girls so close to the end of school. So we stayed. It was difficult, but for three months I raised my girls by myself, for the first time ever. I just did. Isaac looked for a house, and after 2 or 3 attempts fell through, we found the one. Isaac closed and moved in about 2 weeks before we came back. The move back was met with a few obstacles. Railyn's grandma died about two weeks before we moved. For the first time she would be with at her dad's all summer, and the plan was for her to stay at her grandma's. A month prior to the move my grandfather had a massive stroke. The entire summer was spent going back and forth to see him in the nursing home. The day Railyn came home from her summer visit, he went into the hospital. I took my girls to see him. It would be their last time. He died six days later. It was difficult, but much easier to handle than when my grandma died. I relied on God, and let my feelings show. No shame or fear this time. I let a lot go then, and was beginning to see how much God really did care. Well, is there any room left? I still had so much anger toward Natyli's dad and it continued to control me five years later. I just wanted to be done with him. In May of 2010, Isaac and I began the process for Natyli to be adopted, something we often talked about. After having been rescheduled twice, our court date finally arrived. I was nervous, yet very confident. There is nothing my God can't do. I was certain, however, her dad would be present, so I asked my dad to come. After only fifteen minutes in the court room, he couldn't prove his case. The judge said "you are done, please leave now." Dumbfounded he did, and what had become eight years of hatred and anger left with him. I didn't realize the finality and it's effects on me until a few weeks later. That was two and a half months ago. For the first time since November 4, 1992, I felt like Morgan again. I have that relationship I always dreamed of with my parents, my marriage is stronger than ever, and I am enjoying every second with my kids. More importantly, God is using me. I made many poor choices. For a long time I regreted them and wanted a redo. By letting my past go, I am able to clearly focus on God and what he has in store. My regrets have turned to praise. God is able and beginning to use each of my struggles in a unique way. I in turn am seeing how each struggle fits perfectly into whatever plan God has for me. Jeremiah 29:11-14 says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."  When I had again picked up my Bible and began to really read it, I came across this verse. I had heard Jeremiah 29:11 many times growing up, but never the other verses. I remember thinking did God write this just for me? Then I realized yes, He did, but not just for me. I realized at that moment my life has played out perfectly like these verses said. That's why God was present each time I called, He knew His plans were bigger than my struggles. He also knew I needed these struggles in order to fulfill His plan for me. I looked towards the sky and simply said "Thanks God."